Gorilla Marketing No Longer Allowed

My kids are in a Christmas play at a local community center. My wife and I gave a donation and in return get a 'thank you' in the program.

Being the constant marketing professional - I make the donation (from my pocket) in the name of one of the radio stations in our cluster.

Looked pretty cool in the program - and a few people I know at the show came up and thanked me for having the station support community theater.

Damn I good.

Flash forward to Monday ... first call of the morning (never a good call)

SUIT: Aren't we in a marketing freeze?

ME: Sure are ... got the memo ...

SUIT: What the hell is this ... a station ad in a kids program? Who authorized this.

ME: Nobody - I paid for it. My kids were in the program. I paid cash and gave the station credit: pretty cool, huh?

SUIT: You can't do that ... how will it look?

ME: Good? I've had more people asking me about the station today than the last time we spent a quarter million on TV ... pretty good ROI - huh?

SUIT: Now we're going to have every kids Christmas pageant calling and asking for money.

ME: Send 'em to me. I'll buy an ad

SUIT: You can't buy for one of our stations ...

ME: Am I being punked?

SUIT: Punked?

ME: You know ... like Candid Camera.

SUIT: I don't have time for jokes ... the calls are pouring in.

ME: Send them all to me. My wife and I will buy ads in all of the programs.

SUIT: Suit yourself.

Nobody ever called.

That's how bad it's gotten on the inside.

** Turns out the suit had a kid in the play too **

Stupid Criminals

My station has a feature which involves local "no-bodys" who get to come-in and be a part of the show. A good portion of the people think they are fooling us because they try to use the time to pitch something they sell (or their kid/spouse/relative/ is selling). We know that and have fun with it.

This morning seemed normal. Lady who makes gingerbread houses ... and could it be coincidence ... she would make one for you in time for Christmas. Honestly, I have never had so much reaction - so many people wanting her number. Not for her gingerbread houses - to collect over-due bills. She is a deadbeat!

One of her suppliers had sued her and she got out of the court apperance by having her doctor order her into "severe" bed rest becuase of a bad back. Yet here she was ... live in the studio ... walking by her own power ... carrying gingerbread paraphanalia. Turns out he wasn't the only one. I got FIVE more calls from people who were looking for her.

Rather than be supponned, I turned over audio of the show to anybody who needed to prove she was not home on bed-rest. I have this horrible feeling of what probably happened next: She get's home ... fills out her Arbitron diary ... then gets supponned to be in court that afternoon ... leaving her just enough time to ERASE my station mentions from her diary and put in my direct competitor.

C'mon - you've got to have a screw loose to participate in the ratings!

Okay - I'm A Flip-Flopper

One of the interesting by-products of the TV/Movie writers strike is a chance to re-visit Jay Leno's first days as Tonight Show host (NBC is running 15 year old re-runs as a theme).

He was awful!

Not only his interviewing (which everybody bags on) - but his monologue.

He looked stiff and uncomfortable. He took FOREVER to get to the punchline. His monologue was filled with at least twice as many words as it is today (comparing the same length).

I've always heard about Leno passing Letterman with the famous Hugh Grant interview and lots of OJ Simpson satire (Dancing Ito's anyone?). But comparing his monologue from back then to a 2007 Leno tells the "rest of the story". Today:

• Jay is doing his shtick (not trying to fit into the Carson mold)
• He uses half the number of words - more descriptive ones today - and gets to each punchline quickly.
• He is having a conversation with the audience (which is why they moved the audience closer to him)
• He is relaxed and no longer shouting (except for effect).

As one who survived the 90's Late Night wars living in the Letterman camp, I have shifted into Jay's bunker. Dave is doing the same shtick. He is more predictable than ever. His bits run well past the punch-line. He is more inside than ever (talks too much to Paul, and not the audience). He just seems unapproachable.

So I am willing to accept the label of "flip-flopper," as I now coach morning shows to be more like Jay than Dave ... And I no longer make excuses for Dave's much weaker ratings.

So - Clear Channel is for sale?

I love Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family - we usually travel about a thousand miles from home in the car - listening to local radio along the way. More on that in the future.

In between gorging myself on home-made stuffing and mashed potatoes, my sister informs her friend that I work in radio. Her friend's first response:

So - Clear Channel is for sale?

How the hell would someone not working in the biz know - or even care - about Clear Channel? A quick sample check netted me:

• She didn't work in radio
• She didn't know anyone in the biz
• She could not name one other operator

My brother (who traveled 2500 miles for Turkey Day) chimed in too.

"I know Clear Channel, they bought (calls) and killed it for country. They suck."

Since then, I have gone out of my way to ask civilians if they are aware of Clear Channel. I can't believe how many know the name.

Nobody knows a TV operator - outdoor vendor - or newspaper publisher.

But everyone agrees - Clear Channel sucks!

For the record, my brother should have said Cumulus sucks as they own the station to which he was referring. But that is the point: Clear Channel has become the "Enron" of radio. They have taken the brunt of the blame for everything that ails us.

Let's hope that when the Clear Channel empire finally goes away - people are once again referring to individual radio brands - not ownership groups.

"I Tried Radio and It Doesn't Work."

Of all of the negative things I hear about our industry, only one really ruffles my feathers:

"I Tried Radio And It Doesn't Work."

Translation: Somebody with pretty good sales skills and amazing rates convinced me to buy a schedule on a weak station and I never saw results.

It it a travesty that many smaller and non-radio advertisers will choose to try our medium by investing only a small amount of money. Of course only a certain type of cluster would take their money for an inefficient schedule (reach & frequency). Usually that cluster the is home of revolving formats, GM's and AE's. Instead of wondering why this station is able to sell spots so much cheaper than others - the client plops down their money and might even get an incentive for buying (trip to Vegas, ball game tickets, dinner for two, etc.). Everyone is happy until the client gets no results and begins to utter those words to everyone he meets: "I Tried Radio and It Doesn't Work" (but I had a good time at the ball game).

Is it me? When did it become so "chic' for GM's and Market Mangers to beat their chest and actually look for praise when saying the "respect" the product. How can you not respect what you sell? Isn't that like the jockey confessing his respect for the horse?

Maybe they didn't get the memo, but the sales vs. programming thing went away years ago - about the time we all started consolidating. Sadly, many of the most talented people left the business so there was nobody left with any real passion on either side. In the October 7th issue of Billboard Monitor, a top-10 market cluster manager is quoted as saying:

"The greates product in the world, without a successful sales operation is a disaster. The greatest sales operation in the world, with a lousy product, is a mild success."

That may be true for Amway ... but this line of thinking is the exact epicenter of what ails our industry. Too many companies are willing to settle for a "mild success." Why? Little risk, better margins ... in other words: Wall Street rewards mild successes when the margins are there.

Forget iPod, XM, WI-MAX and every other new technology that is set to kill us. We are killing ourselves! The above quote applies to the guy who tried radio and now tells everyone it doesn't work. He was the victim of a great sales operation ... selling a lousy product.

What most of these market managers don't get ... is that both are equally important. We are the cart and the horse. The horse will pull the cart ... which will hold the goods. That is an important metaphor because the horse does have to come first - not in importance, but in design. Before you can get results for a client, you have to have the best product on the air to attract the highest AQH share. Otherwise his message isn't communicated and "Radio" is to blame. But don't get me wrong - the horse starves pretty quickly without the cart! Both are equally important and for any manager to have to go out of their way to say they "respect" the product or even sales - proves their inability to lead radio in the post Wal-Street world.

I once interviewed with a GM who was surprised when I asked him about their sales strategy. After beating his chest about respecting the product, he told me their strategy was SHARE.

Translation - get the most out of the buy regardless of rate per spot. If we have too, we'll write spots on the log to hit our numbers.

I also asked my current GM the same question when I interviewed for this job. Without hesitating he told me his cluster was dedicated to premium rates. When I asked him how they justify them, he said, "We only hire PD's who can deliver a premium product." While we do have businesses who say we are too expensive, we don't have any that say "I Tried Radio And It Doesn't Work."

Cancel the FREEDOM FRIES

The pictures we are seeing from France are purely the ugly side of humanity. Rioting, looting, burning and killing. And this all in and around Paris. Honeslty, I don't even know what sparked all of this angry emotion.

But I am almost ashamed to say that I am finding a sense of satisfaction in the whole thing. Here are the snooty French with their "better than thow" attitude toward America - producing a scene so ugly it looks like LA in the 90's or Miami in the 70's. Believe me, I am not one to enjoy the pain and suffering of others. But there is a sense of satisfaction in knowing that the French are as trobuled a society as the rest of us - despite their arrogance. We're all human - they just drink more, work less and skip a shower or two.

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The above thought was taken from a conversation I heard on the radio driving-in this morning. Here is a guy who knows it is wrong to go on the radio and profess any positive feeling takend from human pain and suffering - but he was being truthful. That's how I have been feeling too! I just don't have the guts to say it out loud (never mind on the radio).

By the way, this was not some right-wing talk station. This was a conversation being had by a morning team on an FM music station. The morning team is known for being "real people," and this is just another reason why they have been such a force for so long in this market.

The next time you hear someone sharing an intimate thought on the radio - especailly one that doesn't involve sex - thank them. It takes guts ... and years of erasing bad habits learned by bad PD's doing bad radio.

Why Don't You Play Any Local Bands?

If there is one question I dread it's "Why Don't You Play Any Local Bands?" Why is it that every garage band in town thinks they are the one to whom we should give their "big break." Here is a typical conversation and how it always plays-out:

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BAND: Why don't you ever give a local band a shot?

PD: We have ... look at (example 1), (example 2), (example 3)

BAND: Yeah but those aren't really local bands ...

PD: Sure they are - all started right here in (city) and have always gotten huge support from (station).

BAND: I'm not talking about big established bands (dude?)

PD: None of them were nationally known when we first played them.

BAND: I'm talking about hard working local bands that don't have enough money to pay off the radio stations and get air-play

PD: So am I.

BAND: These are supposed to be the public airways (again, "dude"?)

PD: (I will save that debate for another time) - Indeed they are - we are playing what the public wants to hear.

BAND: But (dude), everyone I know would listen more if you played local stuff.

--- At this point, it is probably best to just end the call politely, but let's continue for fun ---

PD: How many people do you know?

BAND: I dunno

PD: 10?

BAND: More

PD: 50?

BAND: Yeah ... more

PD: 500?

BAND: Not really that high.

PD: We have an audience (cume) of over 400,000. When we make music decisions we hope that at least 25% will concur. Do you think a hundred thousand people want to hear your band on this radio station?

BAND: Ah .... sure!

PD: How many CD's have you sold?

BAND: A couple hundred

PD: Really?

BAND: Well, maybe 60 or 70.

PD: Our newest add on the station sold 800 copies of the album this week alone in our city.

BAND: But like I said, we don't have money to pay off the record labels and radio stations.

PD: Believe me - if they were paying us: we wouldn't have to sell commercials or even have a sales department.

BAND: Radio sucks!

PD: It sure does - until your band gets signed.

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This is almost an exact transcript of a conversation I wasted 20 minutes on late yesterday. I could have made it a 5 minute conversation and lead with a line like

If you're really that good - you'll get a deal and end up on the radio.

But as most of us in radio have learned, the odds are against you. Hope is a major driving factor in keeping us all going. The band thinks the reason they are not on the station is that we suck. Better than them realizing that it is them that indeed sucks.